Monday, February 4, 2008

The Gravy Diet

Kimkins has a new competitor on the internet: The Gravy Diet!

How the Gravy Diet works:

While mainstream medical science kept telling people to lose weight by changing their diets and exercising more often, Dr. Morgan kept working towards his dream of providing people with a quickfix diet that would allow people to lose massive amounts of weight quickly, and without exercising.

Soon the Gravy Diet was born.

But how does it work?

Think of gravy as a lubricant -it makes things stick less- and when you eat nothing but gravy, your body loses its "grip" on your stored fats and incoming calories, making them easier to burn and eliminate.

The Gravy Diet works with your body naturally, causing a state Gravy Diet researchers call "diatosis". Diatosis increases your metabolism, while at the same time reduces your absorbsion of incoming calories. Diatosis helps the body eliminate fat-building carbohydrates, fats, and proteins from your diet, causing quick and certain weight loss.

The key to the Gravy Diet is fine tuning your DVI, or Diatosis Volume Index. You'll want to keep your DVI at approximately 1 liter per 10 kilograms of body weight.

Gravy Diet Success Stories:

I've been on diets all my life, and finally I discovered that diets just don't work. Then I read Dr Morgan's book, and I'm a diet believer again! I've lost over 45 pounds!
-John Henderson, Missouri

After years of trying fad diets that promised I could eat all I wanted, not exercise, and still lose weight, I tried the Gravy Diet! Now I can eat all the gravy I want and still lose weight! This is great! I've lost over 75 pounds!
-Mary Manski, North Dakota

By following Dr. Morgan's wonderful diet, I was able to lose well over 200 pounds in just a few weeks. I'm a doctor, and I recomend Dr. Morgan's Gravy Diet to all my patients.
-Dr. Robert Morgan, Texas

I lost a grand total of 2,358 pounds on the Gravy Diet. If I can do it, anybody can.
-Li Mei Choi, Fuzhou, China

Common myths about the Gravy Diet:

Myth #1: The Gravy Diet doesn't work.

It has been conclusively proven that eating nothing but gravy causes a person to lose weight.

Myth #2: The Gravy Diet isn't healthy.

Proponents of this myth haven't been keeping up with recent scientific research which shows that the Gravy Diet is extremely healthy if health is measured by weight loss alone.

Myth #3: The Gravy Diet isn't nutritious.

Nonsense. Properly prepared, gravy contains all the nutrition a person needs. In rare cases nutritional supplements are needed to replenish those nutrients lost to diarrhea, but usually only about 80-99% of those on the Gravy Diet find this necessary.

Myth #4: Constant diarrhea (diatosis) is not good for people.

This is the most common myth. While proponents of this myth will point to numerous anecdotal hospital reports of patients "suffering" from diarrhea, there is no hard scientific link between unhealthy people, diarrhea, and the Gravy Diet.

Myth #5: The same effects can be had by taking simple laxatives.

Nothing could be further from the truth! While it's true that some people have lost weight by inducing diarrhea with laxatives, and that laxatives are sometimes a necessary part of the beginning phases of the Gravy Diet, research has shown that gravy-induced diarrhea is up to 7 times more effective than laxatives alone.

Myth #6: Gravy Dieters just blindly follow Dr. Morgan and worship him as a god.

Many people think Dr Morgan is treated more like a cult leader than a doctor giving medical advice, and many Gravy Dieters are accused of "hero worship". But is this really true? Dr Morgan says it is not, and that He had predicted that His followers would be persecuted by the non-believers.

Myth #7: The world's healthiest, longest lived, and least overweight cultures eat very little gravy.

They just think they're healthy. And what good is living a long time if you're not eating gravy?

The Gravy Train:

As the body of medical evidence supporting the Gravy Diet increases, more and more doctors and scientists "get on the gravy train" and support the gravy diet. Here is a sampling of quotes and excerpts from recent scientific studies on the Gravy Diet.

"The Gravy Diet is Gravylicious."
--Dr. Robert Morgan.

"... gravy ... can be ... an effective tool ... for ... weight loss ..."
--Journal of the American Medical Association.

"Well, yes, if you measure health by weight loss alone then a diet consisting of nothing but gravy and laxatives is 'healthy', but I..."
--US Surgeon General.

"...the patient lost a considerable amount of weight due to constant diarrhea..."
--Mayo Clinic hospital records.

"I really want the Gravy Diet to be true."
--Editor of Gravy Monthly Magazine.

"Diatosis is good."
--Gravy Science.

How does one start Dr. Morgan's Revolutionary Gravy Diet? Just follow this simple four phase plan:

Induction

Buy Dr. Morgan's book "Dr. Morgan's Gravy Diet Revolution".

If starting the Gravy Diet doesn't initiate diatosis naturally, use the proper amount of Dr. Morgan's Laxative Powder.

Weight Loss

If you haven't done so already, buy Dr. Morgan's book "Dr. Morgan's Gravy Diet Revolution".

Once you start shedding those pounds, have fun with your gravy. Try adding different spices.

Begin taking Dr Morgan's SuperGravy Multi-vitamin.

Maintenance

Buy the damn book already.

Once you've reached you target weight, it's important to stick with the diet forever. If you stray too far from a strict gravy diet, the weight will come back almost instantly. Most people have problems with this phase because they find that not being able to ever have candy, bread, rice, pasta, carrots, peanuts, apples, bananas, meats, and fish again a little depressing.

Don't cheat, the effects of the Gravy Diet are eliminated by having a biscuit with your gravy!

Avoid Dying/Spend Money

Taking Dr Morgan's SuperGravy Multi-vitamins can help avoid scurvy and death.

Buy new Gravy Diet books and products.

Remember that Dr. Morgan died for your sins, so pay us money.








8 comments:

Medusa said...

LOL, Mariasol!

I loved the disclaimer:

"The Gravy Diet is not a real diet and was created for entertainment (mostly my own) purposes only.
Do not start the Gravy Diet.
The Gravy Diet is not affiliated with any other made-up quickfix crap diet that's really F'n stupid.
No, not even the one you're thinking of now.
And no, I am not interested in learning "the facts" about that other diet you think is so wonderful."

And also the quote on the front of the "book":
"I hope the Gravy Diet can help a lot of people buy my book."

I think the Gravy Diet and the Kimkins diet have a lot in common, especially the fact that both were developed for their creator's "entertainment."

It's obvious how much sadistic entertainment Heidi gets as she plays with the lives of her members.

Great post, Mariasol!

My blog: Medusa

mariasol said...

Medusa - Thanks for copying over the disclaimer, I was posting in a hurry.

While this is an apparent parody, it's sad to see so much in common with Kimkins. And the quote from the book's front page is so true. Why do kimkinites think that Heidi is there to help them? She just cares about the money.

Magicsmom said...

LOL, love the part about Dr. Morgan paying for your sins. Would have been funnier if they had said Captain Morgan!

2big said...

Holy catfish. Man I thought you had found kimmers new site. and Captain Morgan was in the gravy.

2BIG

Elle said...

Wow. This sounds great! Where do I PayPal my $69.95???

Elle

OhYeahBabe said...

I adore good gravy. Is there any differentiation in the plan for good -vs- canned gravy? Is there an affiliate program? I'd like to saturate the web with gravy!
OYB
My blog: Kimorexia

Yucky's Gravy Boat Fan Club said...

LMAO!

di-spotz said...

Please don't saturate the web with gravy! My computer is slow enough!